Lisa wanted to know why her husband, Theo, wouldn’t just open up.
He stayed quiet. He closed off. She took that silence as proof he didn’t love her.
Counselor Debra Fileta looked at the same couple and saw a different story. She didn’t see a lack of love. She saw a lack of skill. Theo loved Lisa. He just didn’t know the practical tools needed to show it.
This happens more than you’d think. We blame our partners because it’s easier than looking in the mirror. Matthew 7:3-5 calls this out directly. We spot the speck of dust in someone else’s eye but ignore the plank sticking out of our own.
Try this. Ask a couple about improving their communication. You will almost always hear them say, “My partner needs to hear this advice.” You will rarely hear them say, “I need this.”
Taking responsibility for the mess requires humility. It requires admitting you might be part of the problem.
But human nature doesn’t work that way. Think back to Genesis 3. Adam and Eve both pointed fingers. “Not me,” they said. “Hers.”
How do we break that cycle? How do we actually fix the way we talk to the people we’re supposed to love the most?
Understanding the Four Communication Styles
Debra Fileta joins Focus on the Family’s Jim Daly to unpack the mechanics of better conversation. It’s not about mind-reading. It’s about concrete skills.
She breaks down four distinct communication styles. Knowing which one you default to changes everything:
- Passive
- Passive aggressive
- Aggressive
- Assertive
Most people drift into passive or passive aggressive modes without realizing it. The goal isn’t to shout (aggressive) or to suffer in silence (passive). It’s to reach assertiveness. It’s about clarity. It’s about stating needs without attacking the other person’s character.
Body Language and Social Temperature
You aren’t just communicating with words. You’re communicating with your face, your posture, and your energy.
Fileta talks about “social temperature.” Is your default setting hot or cold? Are you radiating warmth and engagement, or are you shutting people out with a cold demeanor?
Improving communication isn’t just about what you say. It’s about the non-verbal cues that contradict or support your words. If your arms are crossed and your face is stern, your partner hears rejection, even if your words are neutral.
Then there is the question of social anxiety. Many of us shut down because we’re afraid of saying the wrong thing. Fileta offers tools to navigate that fear. It’s about intentional listening. It’s about showing up, fully, rather than half-heartedly hoping the conversation goes smoothly.
Practical Steps for Better Listening
Listening intentionally is harder than it sounds.
Most people don’t listen to understand. They listen to respond. They’re busy formulating their rebuttal while the other person is still talking. That’s not communication. That’s waiting your turn to talk.
Better relational health starts with self-awareness. It starts with asking, “Why is this triggering me?” instead of immediately defending your position. It requires stepping out of the Adam-and-Eve finger-pointing mode.
Get the Help You Need
If the wall between you and your partner feels unmovable, you don’t have to climb it alone.
Focus on the Family offers counseling through caring, Christian counselors. They’ll listen. They’ll pray with you. They can help you get on a path toward healing, not just arguing for the sake of winning.
You can reach them during business hours at 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6453). Or, you can listen to the full conversation with Debra Fileta online, on Apple Podcasts, through their free app, or on local radio.
The tools are there. The question is whether you’ll use them on yourself first.
